Insensitive
by Verdorbene Unschuld
Summary: So Not good at summaries, Song fic, Aya's prov on Youji's and his 'relationship' HAPPIER! Chapter 4 is up and fixed!!! i put it up before but it didnt upload properly
1. Default Chapter

Insensitive  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Weiss Kreuz or Insensitive, by Jann Arden Pairing: YoujixAya Rating: R /lyrics/  
  
/How do you cool your lips after a summer's kiss?/  
  
Aya's lips felt like fire as Youji released them from the lip lock to let them travel down to his neck, a distraction from the penetration with little preparation. They tingled and he smiled slightly as he licked his lips and moaned. They tasted like Youji.  
  
/How do you rid the sweat after the body bliss?/  
  
Youji threw Aya a damp towel to wipe off the mess he made on himself. It wasn't enough. He wanted a shower. He didn't want to smell like Youji. He needed to get clean, because smelling like Youji would make him think of Youji and that wasn't productive. Nothing would come of thinking of Youji outside of sex. This was just sex.  
  
/How do you turn your eyes from the romantic glare?/  
  
He sat up, ready to leave, to go back to his apartment. And this time he would make it there. He wouldn't fail in the wake of Youji's gaze like last time, or the time before that. But then Youji caught his eyes with those sparkling emeralds and all his willpower vanished. Those eyes had so much power over him. He couldn't look away until Youji did, smirking slightly. He wouldn't do this! Firmed once again in his resolve, he got up, making sure to look anywhere but Youji, staring at the floor, in search of his clothes, edging towards the door.  
  
/How do you block the sound of a voice you'd know anywhere?/  
  
"Aya." He stopped, trying to erase that smooth voice from his mind and his heart.no just his mind. His heart had nothing to do with this; he hadn't sold his soul to Youji either. It was just the way Youji said his name, not even his name really but that was a moot point at the moment. It was with that voice that said that if he left now, he wouldn't be allowed back in next time, and he knew, with every part of everything that was Aya and the small part of him that was Ran, that he wasn't willing to give that up, even if it was just sex for Youji.  
  
/Oh I really should have known by the time you drove me home/  
  
And later, just before the dawn, Youji would get up, have his early morning cigarette, wake Aya up, and drop him off at his apartment. He never really understood that part, just Youji used to treating women chivalrously most likely. It wasn't like they lived that far apart, both in walking distance to the flower shop. So Aya sat there, staring out the window, trying to ignore the presence beside him.  
  
/By the vagueness in your eyes/  
  
He remembered waking up early, or maybe Youji had just been a bit late in the getting him up part. But he remembered the dreaminess in Youji's eyes as he threw the filter out the window and turned to him. Aya wondered at that, couldn't help but wonder what or who Youji had been thinking about, he knew he shouldn't, that it was dangerous but so was having a relationship with his teammate. Even a relationship that lacked emotions. Good God, he was fooling himself.  
  
/Your casual goodbyes/  
  
"See you at the shop then." Aya turned to look at Youji, slightly incredulously as the car rolled in front of his apartment. And people thought he was unfeeling, at least he didn't fuck people and then fuck with them by saying mundane comments like 'see you in the shop.' But no, he couldn't fault Youji. He really never could, no matter how much he tried. Youji didn't know anything about how his indifferent replies affected him, just like he didn't know what them having sex meant to him.  
  
/By the chill in your embrace/  
  
Youji reached over a kissed him, almost as if to make up for the comment. But the kiss lacked the heat their lip-locks normally held. Youji was preoccupied, with what, Aya didn't know. But it hurt, to be so easily pushed aside, when he wasn't needed anymore. And unlike normal, Aya broke the kiss and slipped out, not looking back, walking up to the apartment, to take that shower. He found he didn't care as much as he had that night.  
  
/The expression on your face/  
  
As he opened the door though, he couldn't help but glimpse back, and looked at Youji again. The man was sitting there, watching him, a slight frown that was seen more in his eyes than gracing his lips, entire countenance troubled. But then he shrugged and looked away back toward the road, started off his car and drove off. Leaving Aya in the doorway of his haven, wanting to back with Youji, praying that wasn't the last time he would be dropped off at dawn and at the same time, praying it was.  
  
/That told me maybe you might have some advice to give on how to be insensitive, insensitive, insensitive/  
  
As Aya stood, unmoving in the shower, letting the water wash over him, he wondered if he could get his ice back up in time to deal with the shop. He knew Youji would act fine, flirt with girls and Ken and Omi but not with Aya, never with Aya. He would act like Aya and him had nothing going on which of course they didn't because it was just sex. But still, when they were alone, couldn't he act a little less like it was a chore or just something to wear him out until Youji had no more nightmares? The blond, with all his charms, could be so.insensitive sometimes.  
  
But life would go on, and his life and the lack of love in it were not important. What was important was Aya-chan's recovery, and revenge for his family. And maybe after that, love might come.  
  
  
  
/How do you numb your skin after the warmest touch?/  
  
Aya stared at Youji, as Youji traced his lip with his finger, trying to ignore the gentleness in the act. Trying to remember that Youji didn't really care, he was just very good at deluding people, pleasing people. That he was a playboy and this could never, ever last.no matter how much he wanted it too, he looked away, turning his head and therefore his lips away from Youji's touch.  
  
/How do you slow your blood after the body rush?/  
  
He laid his head down on Youji's chest and could feel his pounding heartbeat. It was just from the physical exertion of sex. It wasn't.it had nothing to do with.Aya's proximity to Youji. Youji wasn't nervous, there was no reason for Youji to be nervous; it was just casual sex.  
  
/How do you free your soul after you've found a friend?/  
  
As Youji fell asleep, his arms wrapped around Aya and Aya thought, that just maybe, he would be happy staying here forever. He could probably delude himself into thinking.but no. You can't live in a moment and they both had responsibilities and Youji probably wouldn't be too happy with that anyway.  
  
But. if Aya were of the kind who was foolish enough to dream and believe in those dreams, this would be the dream he would have.  
  
/How do you teach your heart it's a crime to fall in love again?/  
  
But that would be stupid because a moment couldn't last. And when the moment ended, as all moments do, nothing would be able to compare to it, everything would be a disappointment. Aya had been hurt too often, too deeply too fall into a trap like that. He couldn't live in Youji's eyes, Youji wouldn't appreciate it anyway.he wasn't the clingy type or the emotional kind.  
  
/Oh you probably won't remember me/  
  
Later on in life, if they ever got out of this one, Aya knew he would just be another one of Youji's conquests in the playboy's mind. He didn't want that, but that wouldn't make it not true. He supposed he might be singled out, as he was around longer than most one night stands. But then again, probably not. He wasn't one of those gorgeous women that would stand out in Youji's mind; he was just an icy man with a girl's name.  
  
/It's probably ancient history/  
  
Aya remembered the first time Youji had asked him. That first time was the only time, Youji had ever been that gentle. Of course, Youji might have known it was Aya's compete first time, but Youji wasn't known to be considerate once the doors were closed. Well, not good at being considerate to the emotional needs, the physical ones he was quite able at it. But it had gotten increasingly less tender and more and more desperate. He wondered if Youji had even noticed the change.  
  
/I'm one of the chosen few who went ahead and fell for you/  
  
Youji mumbled something in his sleep and tightened his grip. Aya lifted his head up to see the elegant face, and just disturbed Youji more as the man noticed him pulling away from him to get a better look. Youji's eyes rushed open and Aya thought, not for the first time that one could loose himself in those eyes. He supposed, finally accepting reality, that he already had.  
  
/I'm out of vogue I'm out of touch/  
  
Once the blonde's eyes regained their focus, he let go of Aya, trying to edge away somewhat. Aya took the hint and lifted his head, letting Youji slide out with ease, not trying to stop him except with the worry in his eyes. Aya suddenly wished desperately that he left before; he felt so out of place now, so unwanted.  
  
/I fell too fast I feel too much/  
  
But he let Youji go, let him do what he wanted, as Aya always did. He was always one of those people who, having fallen in love, would do anything for that person. He would love Youji with every beat of his heart, every breath in his lung, every fibber in his soul, for all the time his mind was capable of. And Youji would never know, because this relationship, if you could call it that, would not last his love, as nothing else had or would.  
  
/I thought that you might have some advice to give on how to be insensitive/  
  
So he would just hope Youji would either break his heart now, and let him try and pick up the pieces or ignore the love in his eyes and just continue what they were doing. Both ideas would be.insensitive on Youji's part, but they would be better then some discussion on how Youji couldn't return his feelings, not that he would ever want to hurt Aya or something like that.  
  
/Oh I really should have known by the time you drove me home/  
  
By the time Youji drove him home, those few hours later, when they had separated for the first time since the beginning of their relationship, he had made a decision.  
  
/By the vagueness in your eyes/  
  
Aya wasn't going to try and figure out that pensive expression in those emeralds.  
  
/Your casual goodbyes/  
  
Aya wasn't going to take offence to Youji's comment that they would see each other in a few hours.  
  
/By the chill in your embrace/  
  
Aya wasn't going to worry about the detach manner of which Youji hugged him.  
  
/The expression on your face/  
  
Aya wasn't going to explain his kiss to Youji's cheek just erase to the baffled expression on his face.  
  
/That told me maybe you might have some advice to give on how to be insensitive, insensitive, insensitive/  
  
Aya had decided, despite what everyone said of him, that he could learn a few things from Youji about being insensitive. 


	2. Bastard's Black Rain

Bastard's Black Rain  
  
Part 2 of Insensitive  
  
Pairing YoujixAya  
  
Rating: R  
  
Disclaimer: if I owned do you really think anything including them would have anything less than an NC 17 rating? Oh and I don't own Black Rain either, Staind does. If you're in an angsty mood, there is the song for you.  
  
Note: I decided to put song at the end instead of incorporating it into the story because although it fits with the story, the lyrics don't quite match the words I wrote like insensitive does. Oh well, I'm just not that talented to do that twice! On with the actual story.  
Youji felt like a bastard as he claimed those sweet lips, devouring the taste that was specifically Aya. The feeling only increased as he entered the man so harshly. His heart ached at the way the man beneath him moaned out his name and licked lush lips. 'This isn't fair,' he thought, before all coherent thought vanished. At least for a while, never forever, just a little while.  
  
And it wasn't fair. Not fair to Aya. It wasn't right for the man to look at himself like Aya was some dirty vile thing as he wiped himself off once they had finished. Youji was the horrible one, the insensitive one. He knew now was the time Aya would start to regret this, now that the daze had faded and he realised nothing had changed. He looked into sad violet eyes, so full of hurt, exposed for anyone who cared to look and Youji wished he could love the man like he wanted him to. Like he wanted to. But he couldn't, he didn't and he couldn't conceive either of them into believing he could. He just wished.But no, wishing doesn't get you anywhere. Asuka had told him that, long ago.  
  
He watched the man's resolve firm as Aya sat up, half willing him on, half begging him to stay. He was conflicted on what to say, whether he should tell Aya he could find someone so much better than he could ever be or to just fling him at the man's feet and tell him he was sorry and to never leave him, despite how flawed their relationship was. He settled for a look, not knowing what the other could see in his eyes. He glanced away after a few moments, smirking at his own indecision. They were both such idiots to dig into their own personal wounds.  
  
Youji watched the man stand up, the first time he had ever not just lain back down and part of him, that small part he had always pushed away, cried out. He couldn't let this man go. "Aya" he called out, knowing his voice sounded superior, confident, completely unlike what he was feeling inside. The playboy attitude he used when everything became too much.  
  
Old habits that were just as hard to get rid of as addictions.  
  
He knew he was just enforcing what Aya thought, that it was just sex for him. And though it wasn't, it still wasn't what the man wanted it to be. And that hurt, that he could be such a disappointment.  
  
He rarely slept while Aya was at his apartment, he would sleep afterwards and be late like always. Now Youji just watched as the man's ice façade dropped completely, leaving a vulnerable expression on his face, gentler than it could every be, sleep easing some of his everyday burden. During the night he would light a small candle and just hold the man, illuminated in the soft light, knowing that Ran had looked like this, had been like this awake, and aching that he would never be so peaceful in waking life again. Damn fate and her cruel ways, she had taken his one true love from him and destroyed Ran, the one person who loved him despite everything he had done. The idea that without her harsh games he never would have found the man was an unsettling thought. As most of his were at night.  
  
Youji would get up before the dawn, as the night they lived in waged a war against the sun and always lost. He would stare at the city, wondering which one was real, the one filled with people, always busy always wanting, the one now, fresh and new and waiting for a chance, or the one a night, a predator, uncaring and angry at everything else, full of mystery and promises better left unheard. Or he would stare at the man curled up in his bed, looking all the more delicate and radiant due to the light, hair contrasting wonderfully with the lily-white skin and wonder why he was here when he could be anywhere else and be happier. Or Youji would just stare at the burning end of his cigarette and watch it fade like everything else in his life. And then he would wake Aya up and stare into hopeful eyes, violet orbs waiting to hear those three simple words that would make them light up, make everything okay. And the blonde emerald eyes would console and his lips would smile but never utter anything. He couldn't say those words. Not when he couldn't mean them. He had sworn himself to someone else, had promised her everything and this man, oh all men would understand that.  
  
It didn't make anything easier.  
  
Nothing made anything easier.  
  
He drove the man home, not taking any offence to Aya ignoring his presence. He knew the swordsman didn't understand this, hell, he didn't understand this. Why bring the man home? Maybe it was something to ease the guilt he felt at having used a man he respected and cared about. Yes, Aya came willing, he also came out of love, and it was only fair he should receive the same.  
  
"See you at the shop then," the blonde wasn't surprised at the look he received, it was a rude thing to say, unfeeling. But Youji was already closing himself off, getting into his playboy mode; it was the only way to deal. What else could he do? Apologise for not returning his feelings? And loose the man forever.he was too selfish to do that. He wanted Aya's love, needed someone to still care even when he couldn't care back. 'Bastard' he thought to himself.  
  
Youji was thinking that thought as he kissed the other, preoccupied by trying to keep tears at bay. He was surprised when Aya broke off the kiss, though he shouldn't have been. It was only to be expected. How much shit could Aya put up with before it hit the fan?  
  
He watched him walk away, praying for his own sake that this wouldn't be the last night they did this, praying for Aya's sake that it was. And frowned, eyes worried as the man looked back, lack of anything in his own violet orbs. He wanted to cry out, to tell the man that it was his love that kept him going, that he was sorry, that someone else had his heart but that Aya had claimed his soul and his psyche and that without him both would shatter. But instead he drove away, to sleep a few hours before heading to the Koneko.  
  
If sleep was willing to come to the guilty.  
The blonde would go and sell flowers and flirt with anyone but Aya. He couldn't bring himself to do it and he didn't know which was crueller. Yes the man helped him sleep and wore him out but he would loose the man if he told him he was more than that, that Youji just couldn't love him. He would consider it just more proof that no one could love him.  
He watched as Aya turned his face away, the finger that had been tracing lush lips sliding across a porcelain cheek, and frowned. He would stop if Aya didn't want this, this situation was bad enough, but he wasn't going to force the smaller man. He wouldn't be surprised if Aya allowed him to. That was what the man was like, he should have never forgiven the multitude of mistakes Youji had made, but he had. He ignored the flaws of those he loved. But when he looked into violet orbs he saw only acquiescence and hesitantly continued.  
Aya laid his head down on his chest; curling up to him and a feeling of warmth surrounded him, coming more from inside than Aya's body heat. It made him feel apprehensive. He shouldn't be feeling that, he had given everything to Asuka, no one else. His heart started to beat faster but forced himself to calm down, he didn't want the man to say anything. He doubted himself enough.  
  
He closed his eyes, more tired than normal, just enjoying the feeling of Aya in his arms, if just for a moment. If this could last forever.but no, a moment only last that long. You can't live in the moment, just like you couldn't live in the dawn - it was impossible. Impossible, but a nice dream. And Youji, with whimsical thought decided that.if he were of the kind who was foolish enough to dream and believe in those dreams, this would be the dream he would have.  
  
He dreamed. It was years from now; they weren't assassins anymore, though they still worked in the flower shop. The two of them were lying in bed, talking, something that never happened in real life, about their first time, Aya's first time, if his guess was correct. He had the experience to know. In the dream, Youji had apologized for not being gentler but Aya had shaken his head at the man, cutting him off. "Apologises aren't worth anything" the man had murmured, lips almost touching lips. Youji reached up to pull that head downward just a little bit more but Aya had evaded him, getting up from the bed gracefully and fading into the blackness. He heard the man speak in his deep baritone voice. "Your actions always spoke louder than words" Images of rougher couplings flashed through his mind. He tried to call out, to get the man back but he couldn't. He sat up on the bed, ready to follow him through the darkness.and woke up. His eyes flashed open only to stare into violet ones, Aya having obviously noticed his distress. He let go of Aya, needing some space, their proximity not easing the dream's memory like normal. The man moved allowing him to do so gratefully. He had always been haunted by dreams of his one love. It was the only time he could ever see Asuka now. Even if they were bad dreams, he had always consoled himself with the fact that at least he had seen her in the very beginning, happy and full of life. He ignored the worry in the other's eyes, focusing on regaining control of himself.  
  
He shouldn't care so much about that hurt in Aya's eyes, the discomfort, and the worry. He shouldn't be calmed by the love. He closed his eyes, turning away from Aya, hiding the falling tears. 'I'm sorry Asuka, I'm sorry, Aya. For everything. I'm.sorry.' He thought desperately.  
  
As the night started to die Youji got up, grabbing a cigarette and turning around to pick up the lighter, and stopped at the sight of Aya. Aya, curled up tightly, as if seeking warmth, a frown on that beautiful countenance, a small path of tears on his cheek. 'Bastard, Bastard, Bastard.' Chanted in his head and he rubbed his arm. "When you gonna learn?" he muttered, heart breaking at the sight of such pain, all the worse because it was due to him. He leaned down, wiping the tears away. "I'm so sorry." He whispered, kissing the man's temple. He stood up, knowing he would say something stupid if he stayed close the other man, add some sappy endearment like.beloved to the apology. He woke the man up a little late.  
  
The drive home was silent until Youji stopped the car in front of Aya's apartment, He would be surprised if the man called it home. The quiet grated at him more than usual. And yet, after he made another stupid comment, Youji kept his mouth shut this time, just looking at him in the morning glow until Aya stopped staring at the door and actually turned to him. The taller man went to lean over and kiss the other but stopped when Aya gave him a gentle kiss on the cheek. He looked into violet eyes to find the explanation for such an out of place move. Those gorgeous orbs, rarely as expressive as they were during the time they spent together, had changed. They had more determination in them then ever, and love was still prominent and sadness still lingered in the background. He would move on; it would be difficult for him, most likely very difficult, and the person who was lucky enough to be the next recipient of his love would have to worker much harder than Youji to know they had it but Aya would move on if he wanted to.  
  
He would also haunt Youji for the rest of his life, maybe after. Him and his possibilities and love would follow him everywhere he went. In hell, he might even meet the woman who stopped Youji from loving him back. 'They could compare notes on me, they would probably like each other better than they ever liked me anyways.' Youji thought as he left Aya's apartment behind him.  
  
He waited until he was home until he cried, long and hard.  
Lyrics Well, I know the words,  
  
But I can't really speak them,  
  
To you.  
  
And I hide all the pain,  
  
That I've gained with my wisdom,  
  
From you.  
  
And I'm eaten alive,  
  
By what I hold inside.  
  
All the things that I live with,  
  
I can't easily hide.  
  
And I'm left here with nothing,  
  
Nothing to live for;  
  
But you.  
  
It's not easy to hide,  
  
All this damage inside.  
  
And I'll carry it with me,  
  
Until I'm not alive.  
  
When you look at my face,  
  
Does it seem just as ugly,  
  
To you?  
  
And I can't seem to erase,  
  
All the scars I have lived with,  
  
From you.  
  
I'm so sick of this place,  
  
And this taste in my mouth.  
  
Cause of you I can't figure,  
  
What I'm all about.  
  
And I'm left here with nothing,  
  
Nothing to live for but you.  
  
It's not easy to hide,  
  
All this damage inside.  
  
I'll carry it with me,  
  
'til I'm not alive  
  
Note: For all those who wanted a happy ending, the people who I'm writing this story for, it's coming!!! You just need to get through the piles of angst but it's coming. I've sort of ruined the surprise element to the ending haven't I? Whoops! The things I do for my readers.. 


	3. Whispered Abyss

Whispered Abyss  
  
Part 3 of Insensitive  
  
Pairing YoujixAya  
  
Rating: R  
  
Hi people, sorry it took so long. I still don't like it! But then this was just supposed to be a one-shot Aya angst fest, then a Youji sequel, but nooooo you wanted it to end happy! And so it drags on forever! Anyways, the song is by Evanescence, a great band by the way, and is called Whisper. I don't own anything in relation to the story except for what little plot is involved.  
  
Before you read this, I want to make a dedication. This is to Theory, for all the advice. I would have preferred to give you something better written than this but.Oh well.  
Aya stared up at the starless void of a night and almost smiled, thinking that wasn't it the water not that sky that was supposed to reflect your image. The sky seemed to be doing a pretty good job. It was an indescribable colour, not black but so dark that it couldn't be called blue. Beautiful in a cold way. There were no sparkling promises to light up the night, nothing to soften the darkness surrounding him. So here he was, sitting on a park bench with his head resting on his knees, in the middle of nowhere, gazing at nothingness and thinking himself a part of it. And why not? What was he? Dead to most of the world, and to the rest, just a mindless assassin, emotionless, soulless, heartless, taking away precious oxygen. If no one notices your presence, does it matter when it's absent?  
  
/Catch me as I fall  
  
Say you're here and it's all over now  
  
Speaking to the atmosphere  
  
No one's here and I fall into myself  
  
This truth drive me  
  
Into madness  
  
I know I can stop the pain  
  
If I will it all away/  
  
He had begged off going to Youji's tonight, claiming to have a headache, which was true enough. Although it wasn't that most prominent of all the aches he had. The man had given him an almost reproachful look when Aya had told him. He had thought about that look in between contemplating the atmosphere and had finally decided that it had been odd. The man certainly couldn't get annoyed with him for feeling like someone had hit the hilt of his katana over his head. Youji was probably off with some beautiful woman anyway, having a marvellous time without him, speaking sweet nonsense in her ear.  
  
He closed his eyes briefly and imagined Youji there beside him. His heat, the scent of smoke and dawn and spring that clung to the man, the feel of his soft skin against skin.  
  
/Don't turn away  
  
(Don't give in to the pain)  
  
Don't try to hide  
  
(Though they're screaming your name)  
  
Don't close your eyes  
  
(God knows what lies behind them)  
  
Don't turn out the light  
  
(Never sleep never die)/  
Everything was such a big tangle of complications. Here he was, missing Youji, when the blonde was the one that caused most of his problems. Well his own emotions had caused most of these specific quandaries, but those emotions were about Youji, so the playboy had to take some of the blame. Gods, this was pointless. He had wanted to make something close to a decision tonight. To decide whether or not to stay in this sad parody of a relationship or to just recognise the hopelessness of the situation and move on. Aya needed to make a choice, so he could hold firmly to the decision, so he could cling desperately if need be but, his thoughts just went around in circles until all he did was stare up at the sky, or a single falling leaf or something mundanely beautiful like that.  
  
What was the point when he could be sleeping in those golden comforting arms by now.?  
  
"I thought you had a headache." He turned his head to see the golden man walking down the path towards him, the park lights illuminating his figure every few steps before he would fade into the shadows. 'Speak of the devil and the devil will come, bringing his temptations and offering them like a vendor at the market fair." He thought dryly, smiling oddly at the thought of Youji with devil horns, before he shook his head at his own fancy.  
  
"It's quiet here." He answered finally, uncurling slightly on the bench.  
  
"And lonely." Youji finished. The other glanced up at the blonde but the expression on that countenance was unreadable. He smiled a little, scouting over to offer some of the bench. He did that a lot, smiling in Youji's presence, although many of them were tinged with sadness, and offering things for the taking. They were normally taken for granted, or not taken at all but those few times, when Youji had offered him the same, made everything forgivable.  
  
"It's lonely at my apartment as well .and it's less obvious here." The man sat down almost desperately, as if afraid he was about to fall, or the offer would be taken away. Which was ridiculous, considering the fact that Aya would give him everything he asked for. Considering that Aya would pay any price to make him happy, even his soul, and that he had already paid his heart. Aya leaned his head on the man's shoulder and Youji almost jumped, before relaxing. The swordsman scowled up at him, the motion not helping his headache. The man put his arm around slim shoulders as a show of his contrition. Aya curled up and closed his eyes, soaking up the other's warmth. Nothing had been solved and if they stayed like this forever, nothing would. 'But,' Aya thought, 'I could live with that.'  
  
He wasn't the only one.  
  
There was no conflicts here, no guilt. Just two men seeking comfort and warmth in each other's embrace. And he hoped that all the despair that had been parading around in his mind would take a break for a little while, would fade in the presence of an unaccounted for hope. Aya didn't seem inclined to leave him and that was all that mattered at the moment. Responsibilities be damned, he was content to remain here for eternity and let life pass him by.  
  
/I'm frightened by what I see  
  
But somehow I know  
  
That there's much more to come  
  
Immobilized by my fear  
  
And soon to be  
  
Blinded by tears  
  
I can stop the pain  
  
If I will it all away/  
Youji looked at the man beside him, who was watching the sky with an awed fascination. He gently stroked a soft cheek and those amazing gemstone orbs turned to him, curiosity and wonder in his eyes. 'Gods, the world had no idea what it's lost, to not be able to see behind his mask,' Youji thought, 'damn fate for making it necessary.' He couldn't help but add, his thoughts tainted with bitterness.  
  
"What does the sky have that has you so enraptured?"  
  
"I was just wondering how far up you have to go before there's more than nothingness."  
  
Youji bent down to capture his lips in a gentle kiss, mocking all those they'd had before. "Just a few miles." He answered, smiling slightly, almost his usual smirk. At the searching look he received, he stood up, offering a hand. Aya used it to help himself up but didn't let go, wrapping it over his shoulders again, fingers still tangled together. "Come on." Unlike Aya, he had his car on the other side of the park and they only broke apart as they reached it, still grasping at fingers like they were straws. Maybe they were. Neither of them knew of salvation besides their scorn of the concept so how would they be able to recognize it?  
  
The two assassins' didn't speak much, but there was no discomfort to the silence, it had been pushed from their conscious thought at the moment. They reached a small house at the edge of Tokyo eventually. The redhead hesitated once outside of the car, looking up at the house with a flash of anxiety in those eyes before it disappeared, a bit of the ice coming up. He didn't know how to deal with this, but he would, Youji was sure. This would be okay, a good thing. He needed to figure out if this would be okay and he needed Aya here to do that. He just couldn't put himself on the line to say that. Just like he could only apologise to the redhead when h was asleep, when he was Ran again, and would surely accept the apology better than Aya.  
  
Youji unlocked the door, dragging Aya inside, locking it behind them. He pulled them towards a door in the corner, ignoring the other as he took in his surroundings. Youji looked back at Aya after he opened the door, revealing a set of stairs going to the basement. He started walking down and Aya reached for the lights, more unfamiliar with the house than Youji seemed to be. But the blonde stopped him, giving him a beseeching look and said, "you'll ruin the surprise." The other sighed at the grin he received, a long-suffering sigh, but there was amusement in his eyes that faded along with everything else in the pitch-black as they reached the bottom of the stairs. Youji steered him slightly before pushing him down. He landed with an "ouff!" about to turn around and gain night vision to glare at the man when he felt a bounce beside him. It was then he realised that whatever they were on was bouncy, like it was filled with gel or water. A waterbed. 'Surprise, riiight." He thought, acerbically. What else would Youji be after?  
  
The blonde was wrong; the nothingness only increased a few miles out. Youji turned to him, or so it felt like in the darkness and whispered, "Close your eyes." He sighed again, this time with less humour but did as he was bid. Odd, it didn't feel like he was about to be pounced on. "It's not fair, I can't tell if they're closed or not." He could hear the pout in the man's voice and had to bite back a chuckle despite the heaviness in his heart. It wasn't fair, the way his heart always chose to absolve the man of any wrong doing. "They are."  
  
Silence for a moment.  
  
Then:  
  
"Open 'em up." He did so, only to see another set right in front of his. Verdant green orbs with little flecks of gold in them sparkled with mischief. Funny, he could see a little better than before. Youji gave him a quick kiss on the lips before rolling away a bit, giving him full view of the ceiling. Aya gasped, a loud sound in the quiet of the room. Above him were the stars, seemingly endless in their number and distance from him. He turned to the blonde.  
  
/Don't turn away  
  
(Don't give in to the pain)  
  
Don't try to hide  
  
(Though they're screaming your name)  
  
Don't close your eyes  
  
(God knows what lies behind them)  
  
Don't turn out the light  
  
(Never sleep never die)/  
"Now it feels like your floating on a lake, looking up at the stars, doesn't it? See, there is Orion and Leo and."  
  
He couldn't finish anymore because Aya's lips had found his, expressing the man's gratitude and appreciation for the thoughtful gesture better than the man could ever say in words. They broke it off, gasping for breath. Youji reached down and grabbed a thick quilt, pulling it over them. Aya rested beside him, their bodies touching all as much as possible while still being able to see the false stars. 'You're wrong Youji,' Aya thought, 'it feels like I'm floating on air.'  
  
Maybe their problems weren't as bad as he thought.  
Aya awoke to a sense of contentment and a feeling of safety. An odd idea, this was waking up in someone else's arms. He had never experienced it before and revelled in it for just a moment. Aya untangled himself from golden limbs and stretched. The swordsman noticed that stars were gone and absently wondered if they moved with the day. He smiled because no one could see him. They had just fallen asleep after watching the stars. No sex. That had to be a good sign. He grabbed his clothes that they had taken off when Youji kept drifting off. Walking upstairs, he found the bathroom and started up a shower, searching for a towel while the water warmed up. Finally finding one, he stepped in, letting the water wake him up. It was early, they had the afternoon shift, all was good. Stepping out, he changed and walked into the kitchen, intent on making the other man breakfast or coffee at least to entice him to wake up. Not finding anything but coffee, he made that, when the phone rang. He let it go, knowing that there was no phone in the room Youji was sleeping in and not comfortable with answering the phone in a foreign place. It went to the answering machine.  
  
A vivacious female voice played: "Kudou and Murase Private Investigations. Please leave a message after the tone." "Hi Kudou-san, this is the electrician you call." Aya didn't hear the rest, too busy throwing on his shoes and grabbing his coat. He was out the door, slamming it behind him.  
  
Asuka.  
  
It was always that woman. Why had he believed anything else? Why would he ever believe that someone could love him? The idea was laughable. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Well now he knew, he never had a chance; Asuka owned the man's heart. He wasn't going to do this to himself any more. Useless false hope, was all he ever had in excess besides bad luck, no he would get rid of it. And on those nights when he felt like there was nothing worth anything in the world he could remember last night, remember waking up feeling protected and know that someone else had that at least.  
  
Youji woke up sharply, as though a loud noise had just occurred and the smell of coffee. Good coffee, Aya coffee. He had asked a while ago how the man made such good coffee when he rarely drank it and Aya had explained that he used to work in a restaurant. It was all he said, and he had said it in a way that didn't invite discussion over his past but the fact that he had said anything at all was a good sign for the man.  
  
All he needed was an Aya coffee, a cigarette, and an Aya. He sighed when none of the three were forth coming. Throwing on some pants he went upstairs. What had that noise been? The blonde expected to see Aya in the kitchen but the man was nowhere to be seen.  
  
"Aya?" he called out. No answer, the coffee-pot was on so Aya should be here, he hadn't dreamed bringing him here. He was about to walk through the rest of the house, the man noticed a message blinking. Somewhat bemused, thinking Aya thought he had the early morning shift or something and now realised he didn't, he pressed play. "Hi." Youji tuned the rest out, that voice was nowhere near Aya's. About to turn around and continue looking when something clicked in his sleep fogged mind.  
  
Answering machine.  
  
Message on machine.  
  
He hadn't changed the voicemail; he had wanted to keep that little bit of Asuka's voice. Shit. Aya heard that. Aya, being Aya, would take it in a horribly bad way. In fact, he had. That was what Youji had heard, Aya leaving. Aya couldn't leave, not now. Not when he had realised that he had been going about absolutely everything wrong. Aya would want to hear that. Ignoring the fact that he wasn't wearing a shirt and leaving the coffee-pot on, he raced out the door. At least the man hadn't punctured his tires. Aya couldn't really outrun his seven. Screeching on to the main road, he could barely make out someone running along side it, ignoring everything but his feet. Not good. Pressing the gas, he reached the man, and immediately slowed to his speed. "Aya"  
  
Nothing, not even a glance or a glare.  
  
"What are you going to do, run the whole way back to the Koneko?" "If that means I don't have to spend a car ride with you." "You don't even know the way. Just get in the damn car." That last comment bit, more than Youji cared to admit. "No." "How the hell are you planning to get back in time for your shift?" He wasn't going to explain about Asuka while half concentrating in driving. He wasn't sure if he wanted to explain at all. As it was the cars that had to pass him were getting pretty annoyed. He was half hoping Aya hated the attention enough that he would just get in the damn car. "It is called asking for directions." "You? Ask for directions?" Youji couldn't help but sound incredulous at that. It just didn't look right in his mind's eye. Aya glaring at some hapless person working at a gas station.  
  
Aya's gaze finally lifted from his moving feet to glare at the man inside the car. Actually, Youji thought grimly, Abyssinian's gaze. The man had all his shield's up, the ice in his eye's as obvious as a do not enter sign. "What will it take for you to leave me alone?" there was no emotion in his voice, just a nothingness that could haunt you. "Just get in the car." "Fine, just shut up." Aya slammed the car door after him, not even treating Youji with a warning look. The words, he had obviously thought, had been enough. Aya stared at the quickly passing scenery, not uttering anything else, remaining motionless. Youji fidgeted, desperately wanting a smoke to ease his nerves but hesitating because it would only piss the other man off more.  
  
"Stop here," Aya already had his hand on the door handle, ready to escape the moment the brakes were put to use. Youji thought description was fitting for more than just this exact moment, before shrugging the idea aside. It wasn't useful at all. Well, it could be a small insight into the redhead's mind, but.then it hit him what Aya was saying.  
  
"Here? Why here? We're still miles from the Koneko. The only thing here is a gas station and a coffee shop." he babbled, only to stop short at the realisation that he was starting to sound like Omi for Christ sake.  
  
"Here" was his only response.  
  
Youji sighed and regrettably pulled into the coffee shop parking lot. The ride hadn't exactly been relaxing but at least he had known where Aya was, that he wasn't doing something stupidly Aya-ish. When had he started to worry about Aya? He watched the other man leave, that vacant look still prominent in violet eyes, making him look achingly vulnerable and incredibly untouchable at the same time. Ran and Aya waging a war in one body. He lit a cigarette, smirking slightly at the 'Players' package. Youji leaned his head on the headrest, staring up at the neon picture of a coffeepot pouring coffee into a pot, as most similar machines do, detachedly, wondering why it had snagged his attention.  
  
"Fuck." He muttered as he pulled back into traffic and turned back in the direction he had left. He needed to go back to the house and turn off the coffeepot before it blew up.  
/Fallen angels at my feet  
  
Whispered voices at my ear  
  
Death before my eyes  
  
Lying next to me I fear  
  
She beckons me  
  
Shall I give in  
  
Upon my end shall I begin  
  
Forsaking all I've fallen for  
  
I rise to meet my end/  
He had never been here before. Manx had told him the location of it, years ago, but he had never wanted to come. Nothing good would come of staring at the stone marker of the man who had hated him. The man who had seen what he was at the very beginning of his existence. A failure. He remembered the man yelling at his so-called mother, asking what he had done to be given such a demonic child. He remembered his mother storming out of the room, time and time again, snapping at him, telling him how happy they had been before he had been born. Why was he doing this? Why was he torturing himself even more? What did it matter? What did it matter what a dead man thought?  
  
Nothing.  
  
He glanced at the gravestone of Fujimya Ran.  
  
Nothing at all.  
  
Fujimya Aya turned walked away.  
  
/Don't turn away  
  
(Don't give in to the pain)  
  
Don't try to hide  
  
(Though they're screaming your name)  
  
Don't close your eyes  
  
(God knows what lies behind them)  
  
Don't turn out the light  
  
(Never sleep never die)/  
Okay there you go. I have started the next chapter. Hopefully it will have the happy ending and I can finish this thing. I apologise for the absolute crappiness of it all. Thanks for reading! I should post more soon. 


	4. Crying Out While Drowning

Crying Out While Drowning  
  
Pairing: Youji x Aya  
  
Rating: R  
  
His folks. Sorry it took so long, but it's finished. Let me warn you, if you thought the other chapters were filled with angst, you find it a little heavy in this chapter. This is so the best kind of therapy. Anyways, thanks for reading and enjoy.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Weiss Kreuz, I just make all their lives filled with romantic angst to add to the bloody gore. This daily day dream doesn't belong to me either. It slips my mind at the moment who does. Nor do I own Lifehouse's song Storm, lifehouse does, obviously.  
  
Note: Just for clarification: This Daily Day Dream is the first song and after the ~*****~ storm lyrics start. Extra spoiler!!!! : Birman's real name  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
Crying Out While Drowning  
  
/I dreamed about perfection,  
  
some sweet dream it was  
  
I forgot for a while, my place  
  
And I wanted to race at you in joy/  
  
Youji was forty-five minutes late for his shift at the flower shop. Aya ignored him, concentrating on the customer he was dealing with. One more thing to add to the 'Why my life is shity' list, Youji thought acerbically. Ha hadn't even had the time for a shower yet, which was particularly disgusting in his opinion. His entire life was disgusting at the moment. The coffeemaker had, of course, short-circuited that electrical system in the house, and that electrician that had called earlier had a hell of a lot more work on his hands than before. Served him right for screwing everything up with Aya. Youji knew it wasn't really the old man's fault, but damn, it felt good to put the blame on someone else's shoulders for a change. His cross was already heavier than most.  
  
He sighed and pushed aside his own self-pity, and headed for the counter, grabbing his apron on the way. The customer was sent his way and Aya went back to orders. The blonde watched the elderly woman walk out with a bouquet of lilies of the valley and wild roses. He felt a sense of trepidation in his chest increase with each step she took, leaving him alone with the redhead. He was always nervous when he was alone with Aya, because no matter what he did, his thoughts always lead right back to the man. Nothing good would come of thinking Aya. He braced himself to be yelled or glared at, but nothing happened. The man just.ignored him.  
  
Youji grit his teeth. Being ignored was probably the one thing that drove him crazy. He had spent all his childhood being ignored and forgotten. That wasn't going to happen now. Not if he could help it.  
  
"Aya," he called out hesitantly. Violet eyes stared at him, convincing him that this wasn't Aya; this wasn't anyone. Just an empty shell, beautiful, but completely unattractive to anything but the eye. Youji wanted to shake him, to yell that they were both idiots and he was sorry, so very, very sorry, until a little bit of life came back to brighten those unusual orbs. But he didn't.  
  
And he knew he wouldn't  
  
Because he was an idiot, his own worst enemy.  
  
"Sorry I was late."  
  
"Apologise to Ken. He stayed for the noon rush." Aya walked to the storeroom, and Youji watched him go. Watched him come back, with a dark violet ribbon to finish the piece he was working on. It was a dark looking piece. Blacks, and dark purples were the prominent colours, with little splashes of gold the only relief. He wondered if it was for someone or if Aya was just in a morbid mood.  
  
"So where did you go?" he asked, curiosity getting the better of any intelligence he might have left.  
  
"None of your business." Of course it wasn't, but that didn't stop him from asking.  
  
"So do you normally get people to drop you off at random places and then not tell them why?" He could think of several biting comments Aya could make back at him in response to that, but the man didn't. He just looked up, a flash of something in his eyes that looked a lot like self-hate before he spoke, in that empty tone of voice.  
  
/This daily daydream  
  
This daily daydream  
  
This daily loss/  
"Just leave it alone, Kudou." Youji decided to take that advice, and keep his mouth shut for once. Everybody had his or her secrets. Even those people who you think don't, do. And always those you wish don't.  
  
"I'm going for a smoke." He stated.  
  
"No one's stopping you." Aya replied.  
  
Youji had almost closed the door behind him when he heard Aya mutter, "idiot." Youji wasn't sure which one of them the man was talking about, but if Aya was talking about him, well, he was right. Youji Kudou proved all those rumours about blondes being idiots, true.  
  
/I had to wake up again,  
  
with you radiating beside me  
  
I had to wake up and see you/  
What had happened to the convenient lack of relationship they had had? He had contemplated this question on his lengthy drive and hadn't come up with much. Everything had changed so drastically. He had always cared for Aya, he supposed, it just hadn't been the same feelings that Aya harboured for him. He wrinkled his nose at that word. Who the hell used the word harboured when thinking about relationships? He wasn't a character out of some pharmacy paperback!  
  
/I dreamed about perfection,  
  
Some sweet dream it was,  
  
And when I woke up to your face  
  
I was embarrassed,  
  
That I had so little imagination,  
  
With you radiating beside me/  
  
He closed his eyes, remembering both the feelings of contentment he had felt last night and the ache that had overcome him when he thought Aya was leaving him. The thought that the other man would end up with someone else, happy and having forgotten about him was admittedly, unpleasant. He had never imagined the need he had for Aya until there was a possibility that that need would not be fulfilled. He had been as close to at peace last night, as he had ever been, since Asuka had died. He had been content just staring up at an imaginary sky with Aya in his arms. He had vowed to himself that he would never love another person again. And yet, he found himself falling, once again and he could either cling to the edge or take a jump off it, and pray to land gracefully. If he hadn't screwed up everything already, and if he had, well then it wouldn't matter if he took the tumble or not. He sighed and walked back into the shop. Youji watched Aya for a moment, admiring the man's grace as he went about the shop.  
  
/This daily daydream  
  
This daily daydream  
  
This daily loss/  
No, he had never dreamed this man could make him feel at all.  
  
But damnit, he had.  
  
And he wasn't sure he would change that if he could.  
/I am such a fool/  
Customers created the only noise in the shop until Omi ran into the Koneko, signally the start of the mob. He threw his schoolbooks in the back and frowned slightly when he noticed Aya's arrangement. He suddenly grinned and grabbed his apron, deciding to pretend nothing was wrong, all the while the wheels in his head were turning. Aya just ignored everything but the flowers he was putting together. Youji flirted with every girl that looked his way, all the while glancing around the shop, his eyes pausing every once and a while.  
  
"The Koneko's operating hours have ended for the day. If you aren't purchasing anything, leave." Aya finally said, what seemed like an eternity later. Most of the girls shuffled out forlornly, talking about the boys as they left. Wondering why Aya had finally given in and forced everybody to leave, they finished the small line of customers waiting to buy their purchases and Omi flipped the closed sign up. Just before he could lock the door, Birman stopped him. Aya nodded his head at her, already taking off his apron. There had been a small lull in missions lately, and that usually meant a solo mission. She nodded back, acknowledging his silent question. After greeting the other two, she asked him to follow her downstairs. They headed down, ignoring the looks they received.  
  
"Same pay as normal, fairly routine. Do you accept?" She said, getting to the point.  
  
"Same account as always," he replied, taking the envelope from her. She smiled at him, regret in her eyes, as it always was when he accepted these missions. She remembered what he was like before all this. She had always had a soft spot for the shy young aching boy she remembered him as. Birman could remind Aya so much of his sister some times. She was probably the only person who really remembered what he had been like. She sighed, heading back up. She paused at the top, staring down at him as he looked at the envelope, still unopened. Fate could be cruel sometimes, to make her see him now, and know that she had helped to change him into what he was today. It was hard to remember that Kritiker was doing good, when they destroyed such life. "Bye Aya-kun." She said.  
  
"Bye Kyoko"  
She walked back to the front of the shop, smiling at Omi, ignoring the odd look Youji sent her way. She went home and opened up a file on her computer, and sat staring at it. And a quiet, shy, but smiling Ran Fujimya stared back at her.  
  
~********~  
  
/How long have I been in this storm?  
  
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form  
  
Water's getting harder to tread  
  
With these waves crashing over my head/  
  
Aya left once the shop was cleaned up. He got to his flat and opened the folder, read it twice and burnt it. He practised his katas, decided his strategy, and was ready to leave at one o'clock in the morning. He didn't really want to do this, he thought as he made his way to the car. He shouldn't be doing this, he thought as he slipped into the building. 'Did it matter?' he thought, as he finished the last of the targets and set the explosives.  
  
It didn't matter, he thought. All that mattered was that his sword was running through this unknown guard, that he was almost out and could complete another mission after this. All that mattered was getting his sister the care she needed so that she could live, so that one of them could live.  
  
He swore to himself that would be enough.  
  
It would have to be.  
  
No more dreaming, no more star watching, fake or not; because it was all fake in the end. And he was out of the building, two minutes to spare before it blew up. And part of him cried out, part of him screamed and try to crawl its way to the surface, as it almost always did as he watched another building go down in flames. But he pushed it down, it was buried in a grave close to a gas station and a coffee shop and it would stay there.  
  
He turned away and realised.it would never come back.  
  
Even when his sister woke up, he wouldn't become innocent again. Nothing else would change. He would still be Aya, murderer, and a pawn of Kritiker. A wave of despair flooded him and he almost ran into the burning building. Aya looked down at his hands, the blood had dried, sticking the sword to the glove he was wearing. There was a small strip between his coat sleeve and his glove, a strip of skin turned bloody, making it look like he had slit his wrists. He hadn't.  
  
He just wanted to.  
  
/If I could just see you  
  
Everything would be all right  
  
If I could see you  
  
This darkness would turn to light/  
  
He followed routine and went back to the Koneko to take a shower before heading back to his apartment. He walked in, heading upstairs. Omi was sitting on the couch, just staring ahead of him, first aid kit beside him, open and ready, just in case.  
  
"Omi" he called out, not because he wanted to, but because the boy would wait until forever otherwise. The boy glanced up, scarcely able to see him and acknowledge his presence, and he walked to the bathroom, needing to get clean, cleaner than hot water could get him, even if it boiled the blood tainted skin away. Despair, frightening in its intensity, overwhelmed him again and he clenched his eyes tight, reminding himself that salt water cleaned even less than hot water. Flipping on the tap, he stripped wincing at the way his clothes stuck to his skin. A bullet had grazed his side, but he wouldn't even need stitches.  
  
Mission accomplished. Wasn't that fucking fantastic. He frowned at his own thoughts; it wasn't often he swore, even in his own mind, except around Taketori, but that was excusable.  
  
/And I will walk on water  
  
And you will catch me if I fall  
  
And I will get lost into your eyes  
  
And everything will be all right  
  
And everything will be all right/  
  
Aya stepped into the shower, watching the red water pour down the drain with his soul. He closed his eyes to ignore the sight but opened them again at the vision painted on the backs of his eyelids. Better to stare at the water and remember why he was doing this than that. Better to think of his sister. Anything was better than seeing sparkling verdant orbs. He stepped out, grabbed the pair of pants and shirt he left here for just this scenario and grabbed the box to throw his clothes and jacket into for Manx to collect. He kept the shirt off, not wanting it too, to get stained with blood before his side was bandaged. He walked back to Omi, who didn't seem to have moved. But the lights were on now, so he had to have. "I was worried." The boy claimed, giving Aya an impish grin, so very like his sister's once was, that it made him want to cry and smile back at the same time.  
  
"You're always worried." He said instead, not sure whether he wanted Omi to understand what was going on in his mind or not. The other probably knew anyways.  
  
"Yeah, I guess so." He grabbed some things from the first aid kit, "let me take a look at that." Aya came to sit beside him obediently, watching the other work.  
  
"I was worried about more than just the mission, Aya." Omi claimed, checking the wound for pieces of anything. The red head ignored him.  
  
"You spent a lot of time on that arrangement you made, didn't you?" the younger man said, knowing he didn't need to describe which one he was talking about.  
  
"Hn."  
  
"Peony for anger and shame, Purple Hyacinth sorrow, should I continue?"  
  
". ."  
  
"Aya?" he finally prodded, finishing the bandaging. The man in question stood, buttoning up his shirt. Damn the boy was sometimes too observant for his own good.  
  
"I'm fine, Omi." He said, and left, ignoring the worried frown he received. Fine indeed, he was just peachy. He drove back to his apartment, looking up at it. Not home, he hadn't had a home in years. Aya didn't know if he ever had one. Everything in the will had gone to Aya-chan, and he certainly hadn't been welcomed in his childhood house. The Aoba Centre had seemed like home for a while, but that had been taken away too quickly.  
  
He reached his flat, taking in the sparse furnishings, the lack of anything personal except for two pictures. One was of his sweet imouto, laughing happily, lighting up the picture. The other was.Weiss. A picture some fan girl had taken. It was a good picture; Omi and Ken laughing about something in the centre, Youji giving them a humoured, dubious look over his sunglasses, him appearing slightly amused. Apart, but not unaffected. Everything they did affected him, he just didn't let it show. He scarcely allowed himself to think about it. His life was centred on Aya-chan. He turned the picture of the group over and stared at the other one. Aya- chan.  
  
He sat down on the bed and started to clean his katana. It was usually soothing but his thoughts were too chaotic for him to be calm. He was trying to keep Youji out of them and it wasn't really working. Aya put the sword aside and rested his head in his hands. Everything was coming apart at the seams. He needed.he needed. he went back outside to his car.  
  
And drove to Magic School Bus Hospital, but couldn't make himself go up to her room, not after he had spent the night spilling the blood of some faceless guard, of some unknown enemy of Kritiker. So instead, he walked over to the park, a different one than last night. He didn't think he could ever go into that park again, which was unfortunate. It had been a beautiful park, filled with Sakura trees and children playing. He was, Aya thought calmly, going completely insane. The redhead looked around at the nature surrounding him and found he didn't care. Sanity had never brought anything good to his life.  
  
"I figured you'd come here." Aya looked up. 'Insanity didn't seem inclined to bring anything good either,' he thought morosely.  
  
"You always come here after a solo mission, Aya." Youji stated calmly, as though Aya had encouraged more conversation. "Omi called me," he continued after a moment, "he told me he was worried."  
  
Aya just stared at him, silently, wondering why Omi had called Youji if the boy was so concerned. He wanted to ask that aloud, that about doing so. But he didn't. What was the point?  
  
/I know you didn't bring me out here to drown  
  
So why am I ten feet under and upside down  
  
Barely surviving has become my purpose  
  
Because I'm so used to living underneath the surface/  
  
"I needed to talk to you anyways, so I told him I'd come find you." He continued, still not looking at Aya.  
  
"You don't need to talk to me, you don't need anything from me Youji." Aya stated, somewhat exasperated. People couldn't need things from him; they would never get them. He had never been able to give anybody anything they needed, no matter how much he wanted to.  
  
"Even happiness, Aya? Doesn't everyone need that?" Youji turned to him, smiling slightly. "Don't you need that?"  
  
"I will be happy when Aya-chan wakes up." He stated firmly. It was true. He had given up his life for him sister, if she was living he would be happy.  
  
"Will you? What will change when she awakes? If she awakes? Will time turn backwards and the pain you have endured disappear the moment her eyes open? Tell me how you'd do that, Aya? I would certainly like to know how one moment could turn back time. I have my own past I would certainly like to change."  
  
"I know!" Aya shouted suddenly, more emotion in his voice than there had been for a long time, "I KNOW you'd do anything to fix the past, to have Asuka back! I know you love her, okay." He said, the volume of his voice dropping to a harsh whisper. "I know."  
  
Youji blinked, wondering how the hell this ended up about him. Omi had called him and said, "Go fix whatever happened between you and Aya, he's finished his mission." And had hung up before Youji could say anything besides, "Hello?"  
  
And now, now, Aya was yelling at him. Aya who was always calm unless it had anything to do with his sister. And this creature, who had always reminded him of fei, inhuman and untouchable, seemed to make him the monster, in comparison to the emotions Aya was capable of. No hope diamond, not cursed, but just as beautiful, and just as worth any risks he may encounter.  
  
"You can't replace Asuka," he stated finally, watching Aya flinch, "And what I could ever have with you could not be the same as with her. It isn't the same; it could never be the same as what I have lost. But it's still beautiful, all on its own. And it could be damn close to perfect, if we let it be."  
  
He reached out, turning Aya's face towards his. He was a man in obvious conflict and his eyes were shadowed. Youji could only watch for so long before he started to wonder what shadows he was fighting.  
  
"And what is that we have, Youji? What about it is so damn perfect? The uncomplicated sex?" Aya asked, scorn evident in his voice, his walls coming up. He closed his eyes, trying to ignore the green one's so close to his own. He could hear his father screaming in his ear. Even after death, all the man could spew forth was venom, but it was poison with enough malicious truth to make it reverberate in the mind and create an aching doubt inside. He didn't really question Youji, though part of him whispered he should. He doubted himself. Everything he had once thought he'd had, had been taken away. What would he do if this man was taken away, or of this was just a dream?  
  
"We have a chance. We can take it or we could let it pass us by. Personally, I'd prefer the former." He ended with his usual amused attitude. His own act coming into play.  
  
Aya turned away, staring out at nothing. "A chance," he repeated, both awe and bitter disbelief in his voice. Birman's voice echoed in his mind, 'Weiss is your last chance, Ran. No more screw-ups, understand?' a single tear escaped unnoticed by him, but Youji saw. The star's light hit it, making it glow. So much to regret.  
  
"Hey" Youji said, with more gentleness than he was normally capable of. Aya ignored him, missing his moment of compassion because he was too wrapped up in his own torment. "Who would give another chance to a murder? To a demon?" How he had fulfilled his father's expectations.  
  
"Hey," he repeated, catching another tear, "Neither devils nor demons can cry.only humans."  
  
Aya looked up again, and there was a pain in his eyes that didn't fade when the blood stopped flowing freely and the wound scabbed over. "A foolish, human notion." He said, harshly.  
  
"So is love, don't knock 'em till you try them." Youji reprimanded, a little annoyed that his moment of sincerity had been met with scorn.  
  
Aya reached up, gently tracing the details of his face, as if he was about to lose his sight and he wanted to commit this scene to memory. "Promise me love isn't just an illusion we fool ourselves into believing and I'll put my trust in you instead," he whispered, voice raw with emotion.  
  
"Will you believe me? I'm a fool." Youji replied, smiling sadly in self- mockery.  
  
"Yes." He replied. That was all.  
  
And it was enough. More than enough for the blonde fool. But then again, if one is smart enough to find his own happiness, how foolish can he be?  
  
/And I will walk on water  
  
And you will catch me if I fall  
  
And I will get lost into your eyes  
  
And everything will be all right  
  
And everything will be all right/  
~~~~~~~~~ OWARI  
  
Okay, that's it. No more. This thing is dead. I'm pretty sure I like it. It certainly turned out different than I though it would. Like it? Didn't like it? Think I should flip all the writing upside down so it's really difficult to read unless you're in a hammock chair? Tell all. 


End file.
